9 February 2012

Rejecting My Host, Part I

Dear Spine,

It seems that we are at a bit of an impasse. You clearly hate me and I can’t say that I’m all that fond of your behavio(u)r as of late, either. I don’t understand how we came to this stage in our relationship. I’ve bought you gifts. I’ve gotten you countless massages. I’ve had highly trained professionals try to restore your youthful elegance. I’ve had beautiful photos taken of you from many flattering angles… Yet still, you are not happy. At best, you let me have two, maybe three days of peace and you’re back again with your ever-present pain signals indicating your displeasure. I do not think that this is a healthy relationship and I’m not sure that even couple’s therapy could help us now. You’ve forced me into this. I have no other choice. I must silence you with painkillers. Please, try to relax and let it happen. That’s it… just reeelaaaax…

Maybe someday we can reconnect under different circumstances. Until then, I wish I could say the pleasure has been all mine.

Regretfully yours,


3 February 2012

Canis frustratis




bark bark bark bark

yiP! yiP! yAp yAp yAp yip!


for the love of god SHUT THE FUCK UP

what in god’s name are you barking at? why? why all day? do your humans hate you? whatever you’re barking at really can’t be worth all that yapping and woofing.

it’s enough to make me wanna stick a vailum in a piece of steak and toss it over your fence.


2 February 2012

Cover your damn mouth!

i am SO SICK of people walking around town, sitting behind me on the bus, in front of me at the till, pushing their stupid babies around and COUGHING their bleedin’ heads off! all the damn time and all around me. ok, i’ll admit to being a touch germ phobic, but i’ve realized lately that my immune system is supercharged and as a consequence, i don’t often catch shit that’s going around. case in point, Husband has been down with the man flu at least twice in the past several months and despite smothering him with love and sharing close quarters with him, i’ve been spared the plague.

but back to my violent bitching…

ok, i do understand that it’s winter, in ireland and 90% of irish people seem to get “winter cough” which they consider to be completely normal and something that happens with the seasons (seasons? hmmm). i know this from working in a naturopathic clinic as part of my edumacation. i have also heard not one, but several people talking about having PLEURISY. what. the. ever-loving. fuck? is this the middle ages? are we living in damp, dank, drafty castles with no sanitation?! i suppose if you think “winter cough” is a completely normal thing and that going on antibiotics several times a year isn’t cause for alarm, i guess then you might not be too shocked to develop bizarre antiquated diseases that the rest of the civilized world no longer even thinks about.

i don’t know at what point in human history, people decided that it was ok to cough their heads off in public without making the slightest attempt to spare us from their lung plague. i mean COME ON people! from the sounds of things, what you have ISN’T GOOD and I DON’T WANT IT. from the sound of things, you probably don’t have long to live. by golly, why are you even OUTSIDE?! jaysus, go the fuck home and eat some chicken soup! or get thee to a hospital!

i’ve noticed this starting at a very young age with useless parents (probably had the kid by mistake because they’re too useless to use a condom, or they’re too high on meth or heroin… but i digress) walking around with their kids coughing incessantly and not turning around to bitchslap them for not covering their mouths. back in my day if i so much as cleared my throat without a hand in front of my face, i’d get a speedy backhand to the mouth from seemingly nowhere. i guess this is what happens when you’re not allowed to beat your kids. complete social anarchy. and the rampant spread of disease.

i see why the asians wear face masks everywhere.

1 February 2012

I think I’m old

dear god, when did it become so hard to find basic information on the internet? especially information which is not, for some inexplicable reason, a freaking YOUTUBE VIDEO by some complete DOUCHEBAG from the midwest? i mean seriously, either google is becoming teh suck, or i just can’t speak internet like i used to. it makes me sad.

i will save the rant about all the goddamned videos for another time when i’m more caffeinated or angrier.

sorry this post is lame.

30 January 2012

Effing Delivery Drivers

why can’t delivery drivers fucking use fucking google maps to find my house? is it so fucking hard? every. single. time. i order take-out, i inevitably get the completely unintelligible phone call from the delivery guy (it’s always a guy) who is (at the risk of sounding racist) very foreign and is speaking into his phone through a combination of memory foam and a mouth full of grapes. it really isn’t that hard to find my house. really. if they would just use fucking google fucking maps.

my favor(u)rite one was when the delivery guy was calling me from the shopping center in the middle of city centre (yeah i know i switched between center and centre, i’m international) asking me how he was supposed to get to my “apartment” when the shopping mall was closed. obviously, i don’t live in a shopping mall.

now i’m sure half of you are going “but you might have been wanting a delivery to a place of business” to which i would say “i would have PUT the business name ON the order IF i was hoping to get something delivered to a BUSINESS”


i wonder when my food will arrive.


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