Less Than Complete

So I’m standing in the middle of the toothpaste aisle looking at all the choices, and I’m completely and totally confounded. Colgate Total. Crest Complete. Ok. Toothpaste that has all the things you want from toothpaste in it. Yay! Finally! Our search is over!

Or is it?

Ha. Joke’s on you.

Apparently those two are not complete or total enough, as a quick glance down the aisle will make that abundantly clear. Observe:

• Colgate Total Advanced – so the original Total is somehow inferior?
• Colgate Total Advanced Deep Clean – are you implying that if I use the regular version, I will get only a superficial clean?
• Crest Complete Whitening + Deep Clean – cuz the original apparently doesn’t do these things already?
• Crest Complete Extra Whitening + Tartar Protection – hmmm… even more whitening but not as clean? The Sophie’s choice of oral hygiene.
• Tartar Control & Tartar Protection – since when does tartar need protecting? Did it anger a loan shark? Make bad choices? Is that why we need to exert better control over it? I had no idea. What’s next, Tartar Rehabilitation?
• Sensitive – cuz your teeth are PUSSIES, that’s why!

But that’s only the tip of the iceberg. After all the hard work of overwhelming us with a dizzying array of choices, they were still unsatisfied. They stepped it up to the next level… or should i say “dimension?” Ladies and gentlemen, I give you…

• the Crest 3D White range in the options of Vivid, Advanced and Glamorous – Glamorous!? dafuq?
• the Crest Pro-Health range – because all other toothpastes are still in little league, apparently.
• Crest Pro-Health “for me” – for those who never learned to share.
• Crest Pro-Health “for life” – for the prison demographic? or the overcommitter mayhaps?
• Colgate Optic White – um, is this for your eyes or your mouth? I bet there’s at least one person out there who has tried putting this in their eye. You know I’m right.
• Colgate Sensitive Pro Relief – for help getting rid of the touchy-complainy professionals in your life.
• Colgate Luminous – again I’m thinking this sounds a lot like a product for your eyes. Like perhaps there was a mixup with L’Oreal?
• the all-new, super-exciting Crest Be flavor line – I have no words.

I would like to mention at this stage that I actually spent a non-trivial amount of time on each of these companies’ web sites looking at their product lines. It’s really quite amazing to me how much we, as a species, have chosen to throw an unfathomable amount of research, development, advertising and just plain effort into something as specific and first world as toothpaste. I mean, I’ve only chosen to cover 2 of the major players in the field and I’m already exhausted. It’s also quite amazing to me the amount of time I’ve spent writing this post looking at toothpastes online.

As a side note, Colgate Total has this wonderful product chooser feature on their site which, if you check all the boxes for the features you want in your toothpaste, will recommend their plain ol’ Colgate Total Advanced. I find this hilarious. Maybe I’ve been looking at toothpastes too long. Maybe I should go brush my teeth.

At this point I feel like you’re all dying to know what I use. My current toothpaste of choice is Crest Pro-Health something. I’m too lazy to go look and tell you what variant. I vacillate between that, one of the Colgate Totals and a ridiculously hippie, super hard to find in stores, orange flavored fluoride-free toothpaste. Also, I prefer gel. I have no idea why.

And now you know.

The Diet of Forbidden Everything

i just need to bitch for a moment about my struggles with trying to figure out what the hell to eat considering all my issues and all the conflicting information out there.

my body hates my thyroid, so i should clearly not eat the following foods (according to The Low Thyroid Diet web site):

• all brassicas – cabbage, broccoli, cauliflower, kale, and 90% of what’s available in irish grocery stores aside from potatoes
• unfermented soy anything – i.e. tofu (so much for the #1 vegetarian easy protein option), edamame (oh how i love thee), bean curd, bean curd sheets, etc.
• spinach
• asparagus? really? dammit!
• most nuts – peanuts, almonds, pine nuts, cashews…
• most beans – especially garbanzos. bye bye hummus.
• corn? hmmm…
• excessive onions and garlic

that’s just the tip of the iceberg. and grains? carbs? sugar? – fuggeddaboutiiit. they’re an instant ticket to weight gain and apparently we’re supposed to avoid gluten cuz there’s some sort of link between gluten intolerance and autoimmune somethingorother which then causes your immune system to go haywire and attack your thyroid as well. ok, science, whatever you say.

so then i should eat a lowish carb diet and avoid gluteny foods, right? so i should clearly not eat the following foods:

• pasta
• rice
• bread
• barley
• ‘taters
• and all the other fancy grainy things they tell you to eat instead of wheat

and i should eat fibery carby things if i’m gonna have carbs. and i’m supposed to eat veg and proteins. BUT i’m supposed to avoid beans and most green leafy veg cuz they’re bad for my thyroid. and brassicas, 90% of what’s available. so like what the hell is left?

now to top it all off, i’ve got some inflammatory issues which fall into the my-fucking-back-is-a-nightmare category. SO, i should be avoiding foods that cause inflammation. primarily, this would be meats, dairy and nightshade family foods. this includes tomatoes, cucumbers, bell peppers, eggplants / aubergines… you get the idea.

and it goes without saying that i shouldn’t have alcohol and caffeine either. coffee is expressly prohibited for 2 hours after taking my medication because get this – it binds to it and completely renders it ineffective. yay.

so.

carbs are bad.

beans are good, but can’t eat too many beans.

protein is good. but meat and dairy are pro-inflammatory.

veggies are awesome. nightshades, brassicas and random stuff like spinach are bad.

trying to drown my sorrows in alcohol is bad. coffee to try and wake up is bad. tea is bad. kill me now is bad.

—

after all that, the only things that haven’t been expressly forbidden leaves me with the following list:

• fish – oh but no, they contain mercury and it’s unethical and we’re running out and blah blah blah
• artichokes – i have a plant in my back yard!
• peas
• lemons – yes. YES!
• olive oil
• lettuce – the most heavily pesticided food item on the planet
• eggs
• sesame seeds
• yogurt – it’s the nice dairy 🙂

as much as i love all that, you have to admit it’s pretty limited. my nutritionist even gave up and said eat what you like. i think i should have pizza and beer for dinner.

There Seems To Be Some Confusion

i’ve been noticing something over the years about lemon consumption. but first i must share with you that i am (due to some sort of genetic predisposion, thanks mom.) one of those people who eats lemons as if they were fruit. truly. with salt. oh yeah.

[incidentally, i am posting this on my mom’s birthday in her honor, even though she hasn’t found my blog yet.]

i find their sourness paired with salt to be pretty much the most perfect flavor combination. to put this in perspective, when i was around 2 years old, i ate an entire bottle of vitamin C tablets. the regular kind. not what normal humans would consider tasty, or chewable. i call this flavor “sour”. but it  has increasingly come to my attention that many people use the term “bitter” when they speak of lemons or their juice. now originally i had intended to scream at them with typing, but then i realized that i would be screaming at a few close friends and i thought maybe, just this once, on this, the day of my mother’s birthday (The Godfather, sort of, 1972), i would give them the benefit of the doubt. or perhaps just put out a poll to see what the 8 of you who read my blog think they taste like…

depending on how outraged i am with your responses (or lack therof), i will write another post with the results.